Introduction

Rita is upset because Mack has arrived home late from work again. She begins to criticize Mack for not calling her when he knew he would be late. Mack defends himself by saying, “I was in a meeting, I couldn’t call you!” Rita attacks again: “You could have stepped out of the meeting and called me.” Mack defends himself once more by saying, “You know how important these meetings are, and I couldn’t just step out.”

Does this ever happen in your relationship?

The Four Horsemen & Flooding

What has happened here is that you have gone through the first three of the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, and contempt, and now you are in danger of the fourth horseman: stonewalling. Once you hit this stage, one or both partners usually become emotionally flooded.

Physical Reactions to Flooding

What happens in our bodies when we become flooded? When we monitor couples for bodily changes during a tense discussion, we often find that their heart rates increase significantly. Flooding occurs when your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, your body goes into fight-or-flight mode, stress hormones are released, and it becomes almost impossible to hear what your partner is saying.

In this state, problem-solving is useless because you cannot absorb new information, access your sense of humor, or think creatively. Your ability to listen decreases, and your perspective narrows. You are physiologically overwhelmed.

Impact on Relationships

Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons: (1) they leave you feeling physiologically overwhelmed and hopeless about your relationship, and (2) they make it virtually impossible to have a productive or loving conversation with your partner. Over time, couples get stuck in this negative cycle, which can destroy the relationship if not interrupted.

Taking Breaks & Self-Soothing

Therefore, it is critically important to recognize when you are flooded and to take a break. Once you stop the conflict discussion, you can use the break time to calm down. The goal is not to avoid the discussion, but to return to it later in a calmer state of mind. A minimum of 20 minutes is necessary for your body to physiologically recover, though it may take longer for some people.

Three Secrets of Self-Soothing

First Secret: Get control of your breathing. Try to slow it down and take deeper breaths, which can help counteract the effects of adrenaline and stress hormones.

Second Secret: Find areas of muscle tension and gently stretch or massage them. Relax your face, jaw, neck, and shoulders. Physical relaxation helps signal to your body that you are safe.

Third Secret: Meditate or focus your attention on something neutral and calming. Imagine a soothing scene, repeat a calming phrase, or visualize a peaceful place. This will help redirect your mind away from distressing thoughts.

Practicing Self-Soothing

We suggest that you practice self-soothing when things are going well, not just when you are upset. With practice, you will be able to calm yourself more quickly and effectively during conflict. This is a skill that can be strengthened over time and is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.