Research has shown that there are three possible “conflict styles” within a healthy partnership: avoiding, validating, and volatile. Conflict-avoidant couples tend not to have conflict discussions at all, preferring to “agree to disagree” and keep the peace rather than get caught up in a potentially upsetting conversation. Validators fight, but they fight politely, discussing issues collaboratively, and are interested in finding a compromise. And finally, volatile couples erupt into conflict more frequently, burn hotter, and are generally more intense.
Which conflict style is the best? Looking at these conflict profiles, it’s natural to conclude that the “validating” style of conflict is the healthiest and that couples who tend to be volatile or avoidant are less likely to be successful. In fact, research by Harold Raush in the 1960s with couples transitioning to parenthood concluded that validators were the only truly successful models for relationships, where they could stay together and be satisfied with their union. However, later research by Drs. John Gottman and Robert Levenson found that any of the three styles had an equal shot of being “masters” of love if they had a 5:1 ration of positive to negative interactions in conflict. Therefore, success or failure in a relationship has more to do with the ratio of positive to negative interactions in conflict than it does with conflict style. There is no one “right” conflict style. Any one of the three types of couples can thrive—as long as they have the correct conflict math. If you have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, you’re probably going to do great, no matter what type of couple you are. What that means, precisely: for every one negative interaction you and your partner have during a fight (like a biting comment, an eye roll, a raised voice, a dismissive tone or gesture, a scoff or a mocking laugh), you need five positive interactions to balance that negativity. Some examples of positive interactions include: an apology, a smile, a nod, empathizing, a reassuring physical touch, validating something that your partner has said, emphasizing what you and your partner have in common, owning responsibility for your part in a problem, saying “good point” or “fair enough,” pointing out what you both do right, recalling your past successes in conflict, a joke, or laughter. Outside of conflict, that ratio swells to 20:1—for every single negative interaction or comment, you need twenty positives (appreciation, connection, turning toward, compliments, etc.) to balance out the negativity over time.
What happens if you and your partner have different preferred conflict styles? When couples are not aligned on conflict style, they often have what we call a “meta-emotion mismatch,” which is different beliefs about how emotions should be expressed and handled. A meta-emotion mismatch may make it harder for two people to communicate in conflict. For example, in the validator-volatile mismatch, the validator may feel overwhelmed by the volatile’s high-emotion style of engagement; meanwhile, the volatile, frustrated at not being able to get through, doubles down, raises the volume, and sometimes turns mean-spirited. An avoidant partner with a validator probably won’t run into too many problems due to the mismatch, because these styles are fairly compatible in terms of their “feelings about feelings.” The volatile-avoidant mismatch is the toughest. Here the avoidant partner is often initially drawn to the volatile’s vivacious energy, but when they get together, the dark side comes out. They don’t speak each other’s language at all. They usually break up quickly; this combo has a high divorce rate. If they stay together, they are at high risk of turning hostile. So, are you doomed if you and your partner have different conflict styles? Not necessarily. Can you or your partner change your conflict style? It takes a lot of work, but if a conflict style mismatch is causing a lot of issues for you and your partner, it can be done. You can learn to stretch into other styles to meet your partner where they are. However, you don’t have to change your conflict style—the main thing is that you understand your current conflict style and your partner’s, especially if it’s different from yours. Understanding your own style and your partner’s style builds empathy and compassion, which means that even a fight can become a safe enough space for you to explore your issues together.
© 2024 Michael Brown, MSC, LMFT, dba Happy Couples Healthy Communities